An adventurous search for the right Catholic spouse

Seems reasonable that the quest for the perfect soul mate should start with a list.

Many single Catholics ask themselves: “What should I be looking for in a spouse?” Thus, the need for the list. Is there a make-it-or-break-it list of minimums out there to help guide Catholic singles discerning married life? But who’s list? And where is this list? Can it be trusted? Is it foolproof?

Even better, could God give me a list of qualities I should be looking for that is tailored to me? Now, that would be fantastic!

If only it were that easy.

In the decade I spent as a single Catholic seeking marriage, I tried to create my own personalized checklist of requirements a potential spouse should have. This list, I thought, would help me discern if the person would be a good and holy spouse for me.

Some days, I wrote long detailed lists of all sorts of important and downright silly qualities I wanted in a spouse. Then, on dreary days, I wrote short, more desperation-fueled lists of the minimum qualities required like, “breathing, faith-filled, and around my age.”

Then, I joined CatholicMatch.com, and I could make multiple lists with differing criteria, and change the criteria again and again to my heart’s content. Still, year after year, my various lists of what I wanted (or thought I wanted) in a future spouse did not mean that the search for my future spouse got any easier. 

Along the way, I actually found a few deeper spiritual hurdles I had to overcome before I was even ready to enter wholeheartedly into the vocation of marriage. And, honestly, these are hurdles people of any vocation can wrestle with. 

Jumping the Spiritual Hurdles
First, I had to see the beauty in all vocations.

For many years, I viewed being unmarried as a personal failure. Being single, when I felt called to the vocation of married life, meant I was missing something, or worse, sometimes I even started to believe that, perhaps, I wasn’t truly worthy of being loved.

What a lie! Your relationship status, or how much money you make, or what other people think of you does not define your value. And it certainly doesn’t define how worthy or unworthy you are to be loved.

Christ on the cross shows us again and again we are worth dying for. Regardless of our marital status, we are already wholeheartedly, head-over-heels, unendingly beloved by God. And we can accomplish our ultimate goal of entering Heaven with or without a wedding ring on our fingers.

Whether a person is single forever, living a religious vocation, or married, Heaven is still our ultimate goal towards which we should direct our lives. I had to tell myself and believe deeply that, “Even if I never get married, I can and must always strive to become a saint.”

Once clear of that hurdle, I had to figure out that the person I’m dating may be a good and holy person, and still at the same time, may not be the person I am called to marry. With my spousal shopping list in hand, I did date a few folks who checked all the boxes, yet I didn’t want to marry them.

At first, I couldn’t wrap my head around how my list-making had failed me. Was I not specific enough? Do I need to add some new criteria to the list? The truth is, any list of criteria someone finds or creates has its pitfalls. No list is perfect, because in the end, whatever list you have is not a cheat sheet hand delivered by God, the one who knows you best. 

Of course, I had to do a much better job of trusting God. During my decade of dating, some well-meaning friends and family told me to “Relax, God’s got this.” Or, “When you meet the right person, you’ll know.” Oh, how frustrating!

Now, it was kind and true advice, but it didn’t help my overly critical, hyper-analytical self narrow down the prospective spousal candidates of the world. I didn’t want generic advice, I wanted to skip past the stage of not-knowing and be given the answer already. What I had to learn is that there are some aspects of marriage discernment, and life in general – like timing – that are out of our control.

And, more importantly, when we meet those moments when we are being asked to trust in God’s plan, we need to do just that: trust in God. Put our faith into practice and actually give into the hands of God our future and our past, our worries, anxieties, and hopes.  I needed – and repeatedly need – to recognize that we “know neither the day nor the hour” (Matthew 25:13), and there is nothing wrong with that ignorance of the future.

God’s plan is not always ours to know, and I perpetually need to hand over the timing part, for example, to God, and let it go. 

My Story
One November evening, an aunt gave her nephew some advice before he went on a first date: “Be yourself,” she told him, “if she likes you for being yourself, it’ll work out.”

A few hours later, that nephew, Connor Ferguson, went on a first date with me. He is now my husband of 4 1/2 years. We have two children and a third child due in October. We met on CatholicMatch and quickly discovered, despite living two states away, we had mutual friends. I clearly remember going to Mass the day after he proposed, looking up at Christ on the cross with joyful tears, laughing as I said, “You knew!”

Every moment of the last decade of the search for my spouse, God knew. He knew all along the plan he had for me.

“Thank you!” I prayed, and God’s plan for us has been more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. (You can read more about our story on: https://plus.catholicmatch.com/articles/fizzled-and-then-reignited.)



Tools for Fruitful Discernment

Finding the right Catholic spouse can be a challenge, but there is help for those seeking and discerning.

The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops’ National Pastoral Initiative for Marriage launched a resource website called “For Your Marriage” in 2007 with a seemingly endless list of helpful tools and articles for anyone wanting to learn more about marriage, Catholic weddings, or how to enrich their own marriage. 
-    There is an extensive list of helpful discussion questions available for reflection titled “Must Have Conversations” at https://www.foryourmarriage.org/must-have-conversations/. ;
-    Marriage research findings are also available, “7 Signs of a Functional Relationship from CatholicMatch Institute” at  https://www.foryourmarriage.org/7-signs-of-a-functional-relationship/. ;
-    “What Makes Marriage Work,” a good article, names Communication, Commitment and Common Values, and Spirituality/Faith as three necessary ingredients. Read the full article here: https://www.foryourmarriage.org/what-makes-marriage-work/. ;

Meg Ferguson is a freelance writer for the Sooner Catholic.