Real Life Disciples: A simple proposition

I have a line I use frequently with my children, “You don’t have to get married to this idea, just have it over for a cup of coffee.” It’s always delivered with a smile, and sometimes even some laughter. Please imagine the contents of this article delivered in that same context. You may not agree with what I am saying, but please receive this as a simple proposition.

The past month or so has been rife with highly charged e-mails, text messages, social media posts, etc. The topics have ranged from Catholic schools to COVID protocols to the use of masks. But, in all the situations, the flurry of communication has had several common characteristics.

Each has had a sliver of truth, but only a sliver. Unfortunately, all of them have been filled with misinformation, misunderstanding, and outright fabrication. The rumors have been mind-boggling, and at times even hurtful.

I do not want to speak to any particular comment or post or text, but rather to the overall pattern, and especially to the complete contradiction to discipleship that all this entails. Like I said, you may disagree with me. We can agree to disagree. But, the pattern that sadly has become the norm for our society needs to be addressed. As a Church, we need to be better than society. As a family, we need to rise above the frenzy of modern culture and the quick judgements you see in the news and daily posts.

I learned something a long time ago that always has helped me when I hear something that makes a heated emotion rise up in me. It’s called the three stages of a conflict: information, perception, judgement. 

In every conflict, it’s helpful to step back and ask what is the “information” in this situation? Do I have it correct? Is it possible that I have misunderstood in any way? Or relied on a source that could be inaccurate? If there is even a remote chance, then it behooves me to confirm the information. If I have no way of confirming it, then I should do the responsible thing of not passing on the potential misinformation any further. That would be gossip or, worse, slander.

These stages can escalate in a matter of seconds for anyone, so knowing that they are distinct stages is incredibly helpful. Also being able to step back from what can happen in milliseconds to analyze what the stages contain is immensely fruitful to relationships. Information leads to a perception. But, if the information is wrong, 100 percent of the time my perception of what really is going on will be wrong as well, and the judgement that follows can be even further in error.

I have used this process on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis within my own marriage and family life where conflicts happen frequently. I wish I could say I use the process consistently all the time; unfortunately, I don’t have that much discipline. But, when I do use it, it saves countless hours of conflict, fighting and drama. I can’t tell you how many times my wife and I, when we could step back from our emotions, have discovered we just had different “information.” 

It’s amazing how quickly the emotion dissipates when you learn that the other person is thinking something completely different than you thought. I wish I could have spoken to every person who wrote an e-mail, sent a text message, made a social media post or shared in a heated discussion with someone about all the things they were upset about the past several weeks. I could have listened to what their “information” was, and said, “No, no . . . that’s actually not what’s going on at all. I’m not sure where you heard that. But, here is what actually is happening.” Imagine how much more peaceful the past several weeks could have been!

We don’t live in a perfect world, and there just isn’t enough time in any given day for all those kinds of conversations or e-mail exchanges. But, I would argue that in the Church, we should have a different standard – “benefit of the doubt.” If we want to see the Church continue to grow and thrive in these hard times, I truly believe we must come to a place where we are fundamentally committed to several key principles as lifelong disciples:

1) Trusting our leaders and giving them the benefit of the doubt when difficult decisions are being made. We don’t have all the information, and we don’t know what all they are having to weigh for every decision; 

2) We need to be praying for our leaders, interceding for them and for their discernment, and trusting that they are doing their best to make decisions that serve the common good, which may not always feel like the best good for me. That’s part of living in a family;

3) When we think a decision has been made or is going to be made that is wrong, or immoral, or even against our beliefs – we need to be slow, deliberate and carefully discerning. A great starting point to that discernment would be, “Am I positive that I have accurate information?” If
I can’t definitively validate and confirm that, then I must hold off reacting, and continue researching until I can. In the meantime, I can pray;

4) If I do discover that a wrong has been done, there is a proper way to engage in healthy and productive correction. Jesus gives a great model for this in Matthew 18. Posting to social media sites, e-mail or text groups, and talking with every person you know about what you think is wrong is not included in what he says.

We are living in a highly charged and divided culture these days. I think as disciples, one of the most important tasks we have is to not succumb to that culture. It’s something I say to my kids all the time, “Be a culture shifter!” Don’t get changed by the culture around you, but instead you change the culture by being different! It requires swimming upstream, but always remember, only a dead fish swims downstream. Jesus likens us to fish. If we want to be alive, be who we are, then swimming upstream is what we do!