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March 6, 2025Father Chris Brashears, the senior pastor at Saint Benedict Catholic Church in Shawnee, maintains a simple and long-held hope for Catholic families: honor your father and mother … and their wishes.
What Father Brashears and other priests are seeing more and more is a reluctance of children to follow through with their parents’ wishes for a funeral Mass upon their death.
“Once the parents die, the kids will say, ‘Well, I know that mom was really Catholic, but none of us have been to church in years and we don’t even know where to begin and we just want to do something that is small,’” Father Brashears said.
The priest said that often it comes down to the children not wanting the “hassle” of a Catholic funeral Mass, even if it was a specific wish of the deceased parent. Instead the children at times decide to opt for a graveside or funeral home service.
“We’ll put the casket in the back of the pickup and take him to the cemetery, which is 100 percent legal to do,” Father Brashears said. “I got versed in funeral laws up in Guymon – some of the families wanted to drive across international lines and take the body back to Mexico or Guatemala. That is also 100 percent legal. All you need is a death certificate from the coroner.”
Often, Father Brashears said, children believe they must pay for a funeral Mass, although payment is not necessary.
So, what’s a parent who wants a funeral Mass to do? Father Brashears said one option is to put a clause in their will stating that if they do not receive the Catholic funeral Mass, any inheritance would go to the church instead.
Memento Mori
Something Father Brashears has been trying to gain momentum for is a “Conference to Memento Mori.”
Tentatively scheduled for early November, around All Soul’s Day, Father Brashears and others want Catholics in the Archdiocese of Oklahoma City to be better informed about the funeral Mass process and how to fulfill the needs and wishes of Catholics who have died.
“Funeral plans such as ‘What did mom want? What did dad want?’” Father Brashears said.
The proposed workshop will help bring guidance and a semblance of peace as end-of-life issues are addressed.
“Talking about that in the Memento Mori workshop and having funeral directors come in and talk to families about – ‘Here’s the process’ and ‘Here’s what you can expect and the price ranges.’
“We want to give people a complex, comprehensive overview of what things are and what families can expect.”
One thing Father Brashears recommended is that families need to identify individuals to take the lead in the funeral process.
“Who is going to be directing this when I die?” he asked, noting that it could even be someone the family trusts to handle such a responsibility.
A will is key
“What’s really dangerous is if there is no will,” Father Brashears said. “It can cost money to get a lawyer. But it can get ugly” if there is no will.
The workshop would include a person skilled in putting a will together.
“As people get down to it, they really freak out about death and they are overwhelmed over all of the paperwork,” he said. “Then come the options. And there are a mountain of options.”
A plan can ease the process
“There’s not a priest out there who hasn’t had this problem of their parishioners not having funeral Masses and it is very disturbing to the community,” Father Brashears said.
“I want the families to come in and talk about it. To say, ‘What’s the plan? Where’s the plan? Who’s in on the plan? Because when it comes down to it, it’s just hard. It’s chaos. And people are in kind of a daze anyway.
“The best of children, the worst of children, they’re in a daze as they come before the mortality of their parents. And so, as they approach this, they come to it in a zombie-like fashion and are like ‘I don’t know.’
“They’re looking for direction.”
The church is there to help
“The church will get it done because burial is a corporal act of mercy and we are all about that,” Father Brashears said. “And we’re not going to let someone go unburied.”
Andrew W. Griffin is a freelance writer for the Sooner Catholic.
Photo: Resurrection Memorial Cemetery in Oklahoma City. Photo Avery Holt/Archdiocese of Oklahoma City
